Nerdy Me :)

I celebrated an “unconventional” birthday this year. For the past couple of years I have received numerous surprises from classmates and workmates. This year I kinda surprised some of my workmates that I was to have dinner with them. What made it extra special was the fact that I celebrated it with friends I have just met over a couple of months ago. In a status I posted on FB I said that this year I have proven that true friendship is not measured by “tenure” because there are people who we know almost all our lives but was only there when they needed you. Consequently, there are those who are new to our lives but we believe that they have been there through the toughest moments of our life. This is kinda life-changing, if you ask me. I even told a friend that “perhaps I’m really getting matured”. Yes, it’s no longer a child’s playroom. This is the real stuff. This is real life. No pretensions. Just me and my goal of happiness. It wasn’t really much of a birthday celebration (although that was kind alike the most costly day of my life), but I felt so happy celebrating it with true friends. Thank you Lord for adding another beautiful year to my life! You’re the best!

Haven’t been posting much in tumblr for like more than a year already. I realized it’s really the lack of time and resources to gather all my extra thoughts and post them to this site (regardless of the fact that only a few people are reading it… that is if i do have readers). I thought about leaving this blog site once but each time I open my page I find myself reading my past posts and think about how exaggerated or in some instances how shallow I was with the things that happened in the past. Tumblr will still be “therapy” for me, aside from my closest friends of course. I’m looking forward to posting a few good ones soon… just like I used to. Hello tumblr! I miss you :)

Yes. That smile at the end of the word was meant to be there ‘cause no matter how sick I feel right now after the booze-filled night out with my workmates, I still feel good about the fact that I’m beginning to forget about loneliness and for the first time in weeks (or months) I had a party-all-night that is absolutely fun and crazy. T’was not one of those “bag-id2x, ila2x” type of moment. It was purely bonding and togetherness. It’s sad to think though that I only have a few more weeks to enjoy weekends with these guys ‘cause we’ll be rotated separately in another clinical area soon. At least I’m starting to have fun…again.

Vomit… Burp… Headache… Blehh! :)

Just learned yesterday that one of my work buddies officially got the position as staff nurse at the district hospital of his hometown. While I’m celebrating happiness for him I admit that I’m a little bit sad about not being able to see him from time to time. I confide all my problems to him especially those times when I was still (and still is) a struggling probinsyano in a big city, and knowing that he’d be away officially with his wife and his kid who happens to my my inaanak sa binyag is definitely something I’m not used to. Wala na ko’y adtuan kung ma bore ko. Or wa nako’y sugiran sa akong mga kapalpakan sa duty. I’m sure he’s gonna be more than satisfied with his new job. After all it’s what we both wished for a long time ago, to become a staff nurse. Maybe God has a different plan for me. Contractual nurse lang gyapon ko but things are plainly fine for me now. I still have a few months to go before I end my contract at VSMMC and as early as now I am kinda worried about my future life. I definitely dont have any concrete plans yet. Apart from the lack of finances I also lack the time and the eagerness (I feel like I’m not ready yet) to follow up my canadian migration. All I can do now is just to pray for luck to strike me. I have myself in His hands.

I took the first step towards my masters degree today! kudos to myself because after 1 whole year of numerous attempts I finally had that knack to say “I’m going back to school”. Well it’s not yet final I suppose until I get the results of my entrance exam but I guess that’s still note worthy. Not all people of my age would have the enthusiasm of going back to school for graduate studies. At least not after 2-3 years after college graduation. 

I’m crossing my fingers on this one! hopefully I get some positive vibes with my decision. I’m sure it’s going to be a sacrifice for my social life but on a positive note it’s going to be less gastos on the “unnecessities”. 

So what’s in it for my birthday this year? … (blank stare)… exactly… nothing. Just like i had a boring christmas, new year and holy week. Well anyways, this was kinda expected. For most part I had a few more prioritized days off for the month of May. May 13 is Baby Leighla’s christening. She’s my previous workmate’s first born and I happened to promise him I’d be there so yeah i guess I’m coming (hopefully no uncontrollable circumstances would arise on that day). It’s also a chance for me to get out of the busy life here in the city. it’s hello countryside tour for me! yehey! 

And on May 27-28 I’d be home (technically not home ‘cause I’d be staying in Bacolod City) to attend an important family event and at the same time visit the “old friends”. 

I’d practically be working on my birthday. It would be just a normal 24-hour routine of waking up, going to work and getting home to get some sleep. I hope I get a little surprise on that day though. I promise I wont expect it :D

Coming home from work, while I was unbuttoning my unifom it suddenly came to my mind that I’m back in my “shoebox” to take the day’s rest. For more than three weeks I have lived in this small single room in an apartment at the very heart of Cebu City. It has become what I call “home” in every conversation I have had with colleagues and friends.

But no. I am not describing. it as a shoebox because of its size. I’m calling it such because of the emptiness of it - not just of major furnitures like a bed or a closet (yes im using what you would call in a ship as a tatami class, no bed just plain matress on the wooden floor) but also of excitement and fun. I’m living alone now. Despite the number of old and new friends “sa Sugbu” (in Cebu) the last three weeks here has been quite “empty”.

I have been asking myself many times about the loneliness I have felt since I’ve been here. I used to passionately dream about getting a job in Cebu but now that I’m here life’s seems to be getting boring. Fortunately for me, my job is as challenging as ever. It’s the only one giving me adrenaline rush from time to time.

I guess one important lesson to learn here is that to stay alive in a metropolis like Cebu, you’ld have to think big and find time to keep yourself enjoying. (It’s almost the same as saying kung gusto mong di ma out-of-place, wag kang magpaka out-of-place). In simple terms, I probably just need to find a way to meet new frends here. New workplace equals new environment and new set of people to run around with. So the great lesson here is simply to live with it, keep up with it and stay alive until the shoebox becomes a bigger box like a balikbayan box of some sort.

Here are some senseless observations during the orientation sessions for my new workplace (the “new” either sound exciting or anxiety provoking):

1. It seems to me whenever I walk around everybody looks at my school pin. Yes, people, I came from an unknown planet outside of Cebu. Don’t stress yourself about thinking what school I came from ‘cause I’m pretty sure you’re not familiar with it. Others are wearing their PNA pins. I choose not to follow them because (1) I have not renewed my PNA membership since October 31 (haha but I’ll be renewing it soon I hope) (2) I’m proud of my school. Bahala na ug wala mo kaila. Haha…

2. Whenever some asks from where I am and I answer them nga Negros it almost always follows that they ask me if “bug-at akong backer”. Mygawd! I so hate the padrino system. Aw unsa mn di ay tong result sa exam? Akong board rating? Akong interview? Wala na lang to’y kwenta? Lol. I would like to think that I am here because I deserve this.

3. Lagum imong uniform? Palit ug zonrox! Lol. This isn’t being rude. Pls remind yourself that these are observations and I reserve the right to say anything I want. Haha. Just kidding, I just can’t help it. Once you have an auditorium filled with people on all white garments it’s just too obvious to see who’s “laba sa tide” and those who’s not.

4. No matter how corny and how “luma” the hospital jokes are, there are still those who laugh hilariously at them. It makes me wonder whether they actually haven’t heard of it or not. Nahhh kinda impossible if you ask me. (maybe they just want to make an impression that they’re interested with the speaker. Lol is that why my former students laugh at my jokes. Toink)

5. Gabungol ko sa katulugon. I always mistake “shift” for “shit”.. Nganu? Wapak! Lol

6. I still cannot memorize the areas in the hospital even after the tour. I wonder is new trainees (who have not been here just like me) have ever gotten the “secrets of the maze” within a week or two.

7. I kinda like the hospital hymn. Wala lang haha…

8. Everyone seems very serious about all this. You know, getting a job,training in a big medical center, bla bla bla… Everyone except me. So what does this mean? (talking to myself)

9. During the interview almost everyone said (because it was a group interview) that they were flexible. Sure pod moh?! Haha kidding…

10. Dasun na lang pod ang uban :)

My mind has been in a whirlpool this past few days. As usual it started at as fine then it went bad. I was so convinced that I really wanted to stay in Iloilo for another day of lagaw and tambay with officemates, friends and colleagues in the org. Unfortunately (or fortunately… it depends on what angle you look at it), I received an email coming from Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center telling me that I have just been accepted in the job I was applying. I can honestly tell you that I didn’t know how to react that time. I wanted the job so badly before. I wanted to be in Cebu but there are just a few bits of reasons that made me doubt:

a. I’m not ready for another adjustment period. Daw naanad nako nga Ilonggo permi upod ko. Naanad man ko sa environment nga dw ka comfortable lang but now I have to be back in the life I used to hate - being in a boarding haus, doing the laundry, worry about where to eat, doing some requirements for the duty (part of the RN HEALS program is to prepare some weekly, monthly and quarterly paperworks) etc.

b. I didn’t want to leave AYNLA especially now that I have an obligation in the Negros Occidental Chapter. I want to help MORE. I know I can help better. There are a lot of things in my mind, plans for the org actvities. I can’t just quit. And although I can always be an AYNLAn even in the metropolis of Cebu, it’s going to be very different, I know :(

c. For practicality reasons I know that my salary would never be enough to keep up with the cost of living in Cebu. I am also worrying about my family’s finances. I am worried that instead of being a helping hand I might turn out as an additional burden.

d. As you may have known I have 0 clinical experience and working in a tertiary medical center (the largest medical center outside Metro Manila) just scares the hell out of me. As a student I have neither been exposed to VSMMC nor was I able to experience interacting with Cebuano patients. Though I have to admit the training that I will get will be very extensive (which is actually good if you ask me), I cannot help but think about the fact that I did some shortcut on this. I should have started first as a volunteer in a small hospital.

e. I have to admit also that I miss being in front of the podium. I am talking about my previous job as a lecturer. Fact 101: when you work as a teacher you don’t have to earn your students’ respect because that’s part of the whole package already. But when you work in the clinical setting you still have to earn respect and trust from your bosses. It will be a struggle, I know.

f. I will miss the company of old friends, former classmates, colleagues from NGOs, students, and officemates. One very note worthy is that I also have a few friends na bag-o ko lang nakilala and how I wish I could have more time to hang out with them.

Well, I guess I’d have to take all of this as an opportunity to start anew - new life, new job, new friends. I’m keeping positive about it as I know I have many helping and praying hands behind my back. This is as I have said “crossing the rubicon”, there is now more turning back. Between a need and a want… for practicality and career enhancement sake, I’d go for the need. 

Got a thorn out from my stressful routine after the busy seminar last November 19. It was such a success that I figured a little “reward” would not be a problem. I enjoyed some time with the members of AYNLA Iloilo and Negros Occidental Chapter, and with some other new friends that I’m still wishing I could hang out again.

Rushing things up I immediately went back to Iloilo for my IV Therapy Completion. 19 hours straight in the hospital wasn’t a joke but it was fun. It was ironic how I really wished one patient could dislodge his/her IV line so that I could get the score for the reinsertion. lol

At 12 midnight, I had a surprise hang out with a friend. The tambay session ended up in MO2 Ice. haha. That was something I’d really wish I could repeat over and over again…

and the rest was history.. lol just read between the lines

Had so much fun last night. The rain didn’t stop the party and yes the usual reminiscing the good old days were still present. 

10 Things I noticed:

1. Enemies before are the best of friends now

2. Friends before are more than just friends now

3. Everyone seemed to let everybody else feel that they have changed over the years.

4. Basing on #3 there are stupid persons who still say “u have changed a lot!”. 6 years after high school is long enough to spell change! duh..

5. The drunkards and the smokers are just growing in numbers. And as I am predicting it, years from now it would be the “inverse proportion” when diseases creep out one by one.

6. The girls were really changing.. hotter that hot. may nagpa straight ng buhok at mag nagpa kulot. hah! talk about exchange

7. even the rain cannot stop people from getting updates from one another!

8. For six consecutive years I think our batch has been in the same spot during the disco (lobby in front of the computer lab next to the auditorium)

9. There are still members of the class who are KJs.

10. AKO LANG YATA ANG DI LUMALAKI sa lahat. Is this feeling normal? lol

Everybody’s like “last night’s halloween party was awesome” and so i suddenly had an inspiration ta blog something about halloween and how i haven’t been in a halloween party ever since 4th year high school.

Yes, the last time I had a halloween event was 6 years ago. It was not the kind of party you’d really go gaga but it was kinda fun for us who were just teenagers “kids” that time. I was part of the Supreme Student Council then and we handled the horror booth. 

I haven’t really been in a big party wearing bizarre costumes but I’d like to experience that. I’m not exactly a party animal so I’m not someone who would really plan it out or something though last week I was almost lured to attend the party at Flow Bacolod. Well if I would attend a halloween costume party I think I’d want the Captani Jack Sparrow look… or the very pospular zombie..? Or should I just be tikbalang? (pwede! lol)

Perhaps there would be an opportunity next time. Meanwhile I’m spending all saints and all souls day with my family. As expected we’ll hear mass and then visit the cemetery. When I was a kid I used to always look forward to November 1. No, it’s not because I love to play with melted candles, not even because I want to spend time with cousins and eat “biko” and haleyang ube made by my aunt, but because I usually see my crush after the mass. LOL. 

Speaking of crush, I haven’t seen her in years. Where for art thou crush? :)

I’ve been receiving a lot of good advises lately about being positive and not worrying about getting a job coz im still young. While I appreciate them all, I have to admit that it’s really not helping at all.

The boredom isn’t really a big deal although for some parts it may as well pose a problem coz i have all the time in the world to think about being “useless”. But boredom really isn’t the main problem. I mean having nothing to do at home except to stare at the computer screen all day and eat and take a bath and eat again and sleep and eat again and spend sleeping hours into skype and chat hours, is definitely my cup of tea (who wouldn’t?).

The sad and most depressing part about not having a job is really the part where you say “I’m broke” and I don’t even have money to pay for a 150-peso entance fee in my favorite bar (just kidding but i know you get my point).

At some point I have asked God why I had to deal with a lot of these problems now when I believe I should get more rewards for everything that I have done. For one, this year I got myself a job because I guess I was in a hurry to help out with the financial burdens of the family. Second, I also enrolled myself in a lot of charitable works this year. I joined organizations hoping that I could pay it forward one step at a time. And I know that somehow I have made a lot of sacrifices for a lot of people.

I don’t know if I should believe in karma but I couldn’t see any reason why I have to get this negative karma. It seems to me that even the physiologic burden after the hospitalization had to be realized as a financial and an emotional burden as well. Did I even want myself to be hospitalized? All I ask now is for people to understand my situation, OUR FAMILY’S situation.

I have dreams and the way it’s turning out isn’t great at all. I’m slowly losing hope of getting a nursing job. I am losing my enthusiasm of getting post graduate education. And most of all I am losing my willingness to help out in the organizations that I serve. How can I even give any help when I can’t even help myself cope up with these problems?