My mind has been in a whirlpool this past few days. As usual it started at as fine then it went bad. I was so convinced that I really wanted to stay in Iloilo for another day of lagaw and tambay with officemates, friends and colleagues in the org. Unfortunately (or fortunately… it depends on what angle you look at it), I received an email coming from Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center telling me that I have just been accepted in the job I was applying. I can honestly tell you that I didn’t know how to react that time. I wanted the job so badly before. I wanted to be in Cebu but there are just a few bits of reasons that made me doubt:
a. I’m not ready for another adjustment period. Daw naanad nako nga Ilonggo permi upod ko. Naanad man ko sa environment nga dw ka comfortable lang but now I have to be back in the life I used to hate - being in a boarding haus, doing the laundry, worry about where to eat, doing some requirements for the duty (part of the RN HEALS program is to prepare some weekly, monthly and quarterly paperworks) etc.
b. I didn’t want to leave AYNLA especially now that I have an obligation in the Negros Occidental Chapter. I want to help MORE. I know I can help better. There are a lot of things in my mind, plans for the org actvities. I can’t just quit. And although I can always be an AYNLAn even in the metropolis of Cebu, it’s going to be very different, I know :(
c. For practicality reasons I know that my salary would never be enough to keep up with the cost of living in Cebu. I am also worrying about my family’s finances. I am worried that instead of being a helping hand I might turn out as an additional burden.
d. As you may have known I have 0 clinical experience and working in a tertiary medical center (the largest medical center outside Metro Manila) just scares the hell out of me. As a student I have neither been exposed to VSMMC nor was I able to experience interacting with Cebuano patients. Though I have to admit the training that I will get will be very extensive (which is actually good if you ask me), I cannot help but think about the fact that I did some shortcut on this. I should have started first as a volunteer in a small hospital.
e. I have to admit also that I miss being in front of the podium. I am talking about my previous job as a lecturer. Fact 101: when you work as a teacher you don’t have to earn your students’ respect because that’s part of the whole package already. But when you work in the clinical setting you still have to earn respect and trust from your bosses. It will be a struggle, I know.
f. I will miss the company of old friends, former classmates, colleagues from NGOs, students, and officemates. One very note worthy is that I also have a few friends na bag-o ko lang nakilala and how I wish I could have more time to hang out with them.
Well, I guess I’d have to take all of this as an opportunity to start anew - new life, new job, new friends. I’m keeping positive about it as I know I have many helping and praying hands behind my back. This is as I have said “crossing the rubicon”, there is now more turning back. Between a need and a want… for practicality and career enhancement sake, I’d go for the need.